The Falcons Malteser

by Anthony Horowitz

Nicholas 'Nick' Simple and his older brother, Herbert Simple, meet Johnny Naples, a dwarf, who comes to the office carrying a suspicious package, and acting as if he is being trailed. He tries to explain the situation, whilst Herbert unsuccessfully tries to affect a hardman act.

Dumbfounded as to why Johnny Naples would pay them 200 pounds to look after a box of chocolates, they visit the (fictional) Hotel Splendide after a quick enquiry at a shop traced using a sign on the envelope, with the keeper saying that the owner of a hotel in Portobello Road mentioned to him that a dwarf was staying at his hotel.

A plain-clothes police man, disguised as a drunk in the street, arrests them and they are sent to Ladbroke Grove Police Station, where Herbert's old boss, Chief Inspector Snape, accompanied by his violent assistant Boyle, arrives to question them. Snape who previously could not bear Herbert during his service there begins to form a grudging respect for Nick when he realises how smart he is for his age. When Nick offers to tell Snape everything the Diamonds know in exchange for what the police know, Snape begins to tell his story.

After finding a matchbox from a nightclub called The Casablanca Club (an acknowledgment to another one of Humphrey Bogart's movies), they decide to pay the club a visit. At home they find the Club is open, but their cleaning lady Betty Charlady says no good will come of it.

Quickly, they find that Naples must have been a regular there – a waiter mistakes Nick for him, and offers him a bottle of free champagne, and a singer called Lauren Bacardi (a take-off of film noir star and Bogart's wife Lauren Bacall) asks of Johnny's well-being. However, just moments after the brothers feel they are making progress, Bacardi is snatched by two shady figures in a blue van. Nick manages to step onto the back of the van, but soon is thrown off and into a wall of cardboard boxes. It is then revealed that Lauren has stolen the diamonds because she worked out the truth. As a parting gift she sends Nick and Herbert a Malteser with a diamond inside. Nick after realising this great wealth decides go skiing for their Christmas holidays. However Herbert breaks his leg before they get on the plane and the money is spent on medical bills.